5 Audiobooks I’ve Listened To and Loved.

Happy Saturday my lovelies!! Sorry I have been missing the last week or two, I’ve been dealing with some personal challenges; but I’m back now and better than ever! Over the last few weeks, I’ve been taking some time for selfcare, and one thing I’ve been getting really into is listening to audiobooks.

So, why are audiobooks great? Well, they are perfect for long car journeys by yourself, great for when you’re home alone, and I love them for when you’re too tired to move and watch tv but not too tired to actually go to sleep.

I currently listen to audiobooks through Audible (not sponsored, but it could be – Amazon.. you listening?), and the only reason I even began listening to audiobooks was after listening to podcasts on youtube (mostly the TryPod by the Try Guys and Kelsey Darragh’s podcast, which are both great!) whilst doing other things like cleaning my room or painting.

So.. I thought I’d let you know what I’ve been listening to!

Let’s get right into it:

1 . The Harry Potter Series – Read by Stephen Fry. Look, you know I love Harry Potter, so this was a given recommendation. But also, if you’re after something that’s incredibly easy listening and calming, Stephen Fry reading you a bedtime story is just a perfect way to end the day and wind down.

2 . The Hidden Power of Fucking Up – Read by The Try Guys. I love the Try Guys, for many reasons, which I may or may not get into in future posts.. we’ll see. It’s basically the story of 4 guys who funnily enough, try things out of their comfort zone and also run a youtube channel; oh and they’re hilarious so be prepared for a laugh! They get into personal stories and tries, share the good and the bad and are genuinely lovely human beings without a hint of toxic masculinity in them.

3 . Over The Top, By Jonathan Van Ness and read by him! It’s Jonathan’s story, from what his childhood was like, to how he became the absolute icon he is today! If you love Queer Eye, then you’ll love this; Jonathan shares everything and is so incredibly open it’ll make you love him even more!

4 . How to Break Up with Fast Fashion, By Lauren Bravo. I bought this with my monthly Audible credit on a whim, and I was not disappointed! I listened to this entire book from start to finish in the space of two days, and in those two days I overhauled my wardrobe and am grateful to now have a new view on my clothes and a realisation on how many clothes I actually have. Too many, incase you were wondering.

5 . And finally: Body Positive Power, By Megan Jayne Crabbe, or as you may know her on instagram – @bodyposipanda. I found this book perfect for those days where you just aren’t feeling happy with yourself and your body image. It’s helped me see my body in a new light and appreciate everything it has and continues to do for me and allow me to do. Need a body image pick me up? Then this book is for you!

And those are my recent listens in my Audible library. I loved every single one of these listens, and nearly every time I was listening to these I found that I was either super relaxed and chilling out, or I was being more productive in my spare time than ever before. I also found that it’s a great substitution to having the tv on for the sake of having the tv on because you want background noise. My favourite time to listen to audiobooks is when I’m cleaning/organising and painting.

Do you listen to audiobooks? If so, what’re you listening to now? Let me know in the comments!! I’d love some new recommendations!

And that’s all from me for today! I’m now off to go and find a new book to listen to and paint a huge canvas; which I may or may not record a timelapse of, we’ll see how it turns out haha!

Have a great weekend my lovelies!

Love,

I’m Taking Part In RED January

Happy New Year everyone!! 2019 is upon us, and I can’t wait to see what great things are going to happen this year.

For me, this is the year of me trying new things and pushing myself out of my comfort zone; and what better way to start than by doing something I’ve never done before! Cycling. Now, I know what you’re thinking, how can I have never cycled before??

Well, that’s not 100% true, the last time I had a bike I was 6 and it still had stabilisers on it with pink tassels on the handlebars. So in my mind, I’ve never really done any cycling. Especially not on my own bike now that I’m an adult.

So, what even is RED January?

RED January was founded by Hannah Beecham after she found out how your mental health can benefit from exercise; she found this through helping her mother through the darkest of her depression with love, support and by working together towards a goal (The Walk The Walk Midnight Marathon).

Why am I taking part in RED January?

One of my new years resolutions for this year is to raise some money for charities that I have had a personal relationship with. And one of those charities is MIND.

I decided to take part in this challenge because I realised that I’m actually reasonably active; this is due to having to do physio for my back (that’s a post for another day) and developing a healthy relationship with exercise since recovering from anorexia, and it has definitely improved my mental health.

And also because I’ve just received my first every bike, I’m now cycling to work every day! So it makes sense that if I’m already being active every day and feeling the benefit, why not raise a little money in the process??

So that’s what I’m doing this month. Even on my birthday, the 17th! Taking part in RED January doesn’t sign you up for having to force yourself to do something terrible every day that is harrowing. The only requirement is that you do something active everyday in January, if you don’t like running, you can go for a walk, what if it’s raining and cold outside? You could do some yoga, find a workout on YouTube or simply dance around your house just in your pants if you want. That active part is up to you.

Now, since today is the 5th January, I’m about to go do day 5 of the blogilates 100 Ab challenge (wish me luck! I’ll be doing a follow up of this at the end of the month so stay tuned!) and then go for a bike ride if it’s nice outside.

Oh, and if you wanted to sponsor me, you can find my JustGiving page here! I know we’re all tight on money since Christmas is over, so don’t worry if you can’t donate, why not sign up to do the challenge yourself with me?

Have a great day lovelies!! See you next week!

Love,

What Is Classed As Selfcare?

It’s #SelfcareWeek ! And it’s got me thinking, what do we actually think classes as selfcare? For me, I typically start thinking about face masks and bubble baths. And well yes that can be classed as selfcare; but as amazing as those things are, there are hundreds of other things you can do. And over the last few days, I’ve been partaking in a few of these myself.

The thought for this post came to me whilst I was walking home from the gym; it occurred to me that even though I think of lots of luxurious things as self-care, there are lots of small things I do for myself that make me feel good, and these count too.

Here’s a few things I’ve been doing for myself that aren’t always considered self-care:

• Going to the gym, and doing what I want there, if I don’t feel like doing the stair climber today, I just don’t do it and I refuse to feel guilty about it!)
• Buying myself a hot chocolate when walking home after going to the gym.
• Putting on my moisturizer.
• Listening to the Peptalk app (I highly recommend this one for when you’re commuting and walking anywhere, it’s a great motivational tool!)
• Watching videos by Glamour, Ladylike, As/Is and the Try Guys.
• Self Affirmations.
• Watching Nikkietutorials (believe it or not I watch Nikkie’s videos when I’m at the gym and they make me so happy!)
• Cleaning my room.
• Playing with makeup.
• Putting on makeup when I’m not going anywhere!
• Lighting scented candles.
• Having a bubble bath.
• Unfollowing any social media profiles that make me feel bad about myself.
• Watching my favourite films.
• Cooking my favourite food.
• Singing in the shower.
• Talking to friends.
• Finishing work ON TIME.
• Related to the above – not looking at work emails when I’m off work.
• Making myself a great breakfast.
• Blogging.
• Painting, drawing and being creative.
• Getting 7/8 hours sleep.
• Wearing thermal socks.
• Using a 99p face mask.
• Chatting to my sister.
• Seeing my Niece and Nephew on FaceTime reeking havoc in my sisters house.
• Driving round to look at Christmas Lights when they go up.
• Making myself a cup of tea.
• Meeting up with friends for a chat/food/movies (basically spending time with the important people in your life)
• Wearing my favourite clothes.

Honestly the list could go on and on. I love selfcare, sometimes I do still feel selfish or guilty for spending time on ourselves, but we really shouldn’t. We’re stuck with ourselves for life so we better take care of that person we see in the mirror.

And at the end of the day, if something makes you happy and feel good, it’s probably your own version of selfcare. We’re all different so it’s impossible to say that one thing will work for everyone; telling someone to go take a bubble bath to relax if they hate having baths is pretty pointless. It’s a personal thing.

Some of the things in my list you might not consider to be selfcare, but for me, they are. Just doing one small thing for yourself a day can make such a difference to your mood and wellbeing. And myself from a year ago would say something along the lines of “I’ll start next week or in the new year”, but that’s not how I think anymore, the time to start is now.

That’s all from me today, I’m off to go get myself a hot chocolate and sit in a blanket with a book. Have a great weekend lovelies! You’re all amazing!

Love,

P.S. The UK Blog Awards are now open for voting! It’d mean the world to me if you could vote for me my lovelies!! 

10 Cheap Things To Buy Yourself For Self-Care

We all know that feeling when pay day hits; you know, the feeling you get when that little voice in your head says treat yo self! You deserve it! And then you go and buy a load of stuff that you forget about until you’re surrounded by loads of mystery packages.

I’m pretty bad for buying stuff that I don’t need when pay day hits, and I always forget about budgets and keeping track of my spending habits, which is until the week before pay day where I don’t stop checking my bank balance.

This is why I’ve decided to create a list of 10 presents you can buy yourself for a treat which are great for some self-care without breaking the bank! And they’re all available on Amazon!

Lets get into it!
1 . Success & Inspiration in a Jar. £14.99

Because who doesn’t need a little pick me up every now and again? These are little quotes, inspirations and motivations to give you a boost every day for a month and are great for if you’re having a bad day and need a little positivity boost!
2 . Mini Elephant Shaped Candles Gift Set. £5.11

These are just so cute! They are all scented as follows: Purple is Lavendar, Green is Jasmine, Pink is Rose, Red is Strawberry and Yellow is Lemongrass. These would be great for when you have a big bubble bath to relax!
3 . BiC Coloured Pencils. £10.00

Coloured pencils are always a good treat, and are necessary when you buy the next gift for yourself!

4 . Millie Marotta’s Animal Kingdom Colouring Book. £7.19

Colouring isn’t just for little kids; it can be really therapeutic and great for mindfulness. I personally love tuning out and doing a bit of drawing, so being able to chill out and just colour is great!

5 . Bath Bombs Gift Set. £8.99

Bath bombs are great for going with those cute elephant candles and these are a great gift to buy yourself and forget about. They come in a cute box so it really is like getting a present in the post!

6 . Bluetooth Shower Speaker. £17.99

This one is a little more pricey than the rest but still less than £20. And is great if you’re like me and love singing in the shower!

7 . Bumper Retro Sweet Selection Box. £11.50

Sweets and chocolates are a great way to do a bit of self-care; and retro sweets are so yummy! This should keep you going for quite a few weeks too, and are great for a movie night!
8 . Weighted Fitness Hula Hoop. £12.99

We’ve all heard a million times about how exercising is good for our mental health as well as our physical health, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun! Which is why I’ve put this fitness hula hoop in here!
9 . Glow In The Dark Star Stickers. £11.99

I’ve had these for quite some time now, and they’re just plain great. I will warn you though, I stuck all of mine above my bed on the ceiling and it took about 1/2hours in total. But the result in completely worth it! Especially as someone with mental health challenges, these really help my mind settle when I’m trying to get some sleep.
10 . Burt’s Bees Tip and Toes Kit. £9.99 in the sale and £12.99 usually

Finally, good ole Burt’s Bees! Because who doesn’t like stuff from Burt’s Bees?! A great way to take care of yourself is with a bit of pampering, and using things like this are a great way to distract yourself from any anxiety or panic thoughts.

So that’s it for this weeks post! I just thought that a little bit retail therapy never hurt anyone? Well at least these prices won’t! And the majority of these can be bought with prime so you get free next day delivery!

And remember, no matter whatever some people may say, ‘self-care is not selfish.’

Have a great week everyone! Let me know if you decide to get any of these gifts to yourself! Love,

Why I Recommend Going Shopping By Yourself

Last month I came to the realisation that I never go shopping on my own, partly because I suffer with crippling driving and parking anxiety when I’ve got to drive to unfamiliar places with risk of getting lost (please tell me I’m not alone on this!) alongside just general anxiety of being out on my own for fear that something bad will happen.

So, my day off during the week came around and I had an appointment in the morning about 5 minutes away from a huge shopping centre with about 3/4 huge multi-storey carparks, and that was when I decided to rip the band aid off and just go and do it. Plus I was in desperate need of some new clothes and I realised that I needed a nice outfit for a wedding I’ve been invited to.

To put in perspective how bad my anxiety was on the day, I had a panic attack as I was parking my car for my appointment because I was scared I wouldn’t be able to get out of a space once I finally got in it. That then happened again when I thought I was lost trying to find my way to the multi-storey carpark and finding a space to park in that wasn’t the size of a peanut.

Once I finally got parked, the fear sunk in that I might never find my car again (irrational I know..) so I took a photo of where I’d parked and rang my mum to tell her about my triumph and to tell her where exactly I’d parked in case I forgot.

So I made my way into the shopping centre, and my sense of achievement was crazy! I literally felt like I could take on the world, for about 5 seconds. Then it occurred to me that I’m all on my own and that I’d also need to repeat what I’d just done to get home!

After this realisation I decided that I would go and have a cuppa before I start shopping to celebrate facing my fears and anxiety head on and this way I would actually face another situation which makes me anxious; which is sitting on my own in a restaurant or café alongside having cake which the lovely eating disorder voices in my head were very adamant would kill me. But guess what, I didn’t listen to those voices and it didn’t kill me! Woo!

I don’t know why I was ever so anxious about this one, because as soon as I got myself a cup of tea and a slice of chocolate cake and started reading a magazine I forgot all about the people around me and it was bliss. Highly recommend it.

Once I finished my tea and cake I felt a lot calmer than before and it set in that I can do the following:

1. Take as much time as I want looking at stuff.
2. I don’t have to worry about being indecisive and wanting to revisit the first shop I went in 3 times..
3. Learn to stop worrying about what other people will think about stuff I’m trying on.
4. Go and get a snack when I’m getting hungry instead of feeling like I need to wait for other people to be hungry first.
5. No panicking about picking up clothes in shops and comparing my clothes size to whoever I’m out shopping with.
6. Try on as many clothes as I want without feeling rushed.

And let me tell you, I had an amazing time once I’d realised these things because I could just be myself and do what I wanted, taking as much time as I wanted.

Whenever I go shopping with other people I spend a long time looking at clothes with them and then hardly ever buy anything for myself. This is partly because I never feel like I have enough time to try everything I want to on, so I just don’t buy them.

But this time, because I was by myself, I spent about 2 whole hours in Primark (mainly because the shop is so damn huge!) trying on as much stuff as I could get my hands on; and after trying on so many clothes I came away with quite a few lovely pieces and some really cute shoes!

Then I went to around another 5 shops and another café before heading home! And after all of that I came home with 4 new tops, one new jumper, a maxi playsuit, 3 pairs of shoes and a load of new makeup! I felt like Alicia Silverstone in Clueless!

As scary as it was for me to go shopping by myself and face my driving anxiety, the benefits I got from it were so worth it. So worth it that I’m already planning my next trip by myself! I’m even debating an overnight trip to a spa!

Moral of this story, if you’re anxious about doing something or scared of doing something, give it a try and take your time with it, it will seem scary and stressful at the time but you’ll soon come to realise that you’re so much stronger than you think you are.

Also, I completely forgot to mention that throughout my time shopping I was very lucky to have my mum message or ring me every so often to make sure I’m okay and staying safe which definitely made me feel more comfortable and confident; so if you’re going to do this and are super nervous, ask a friend or family member to keep tabs on you to give you a little more confidence and security. Trust me, something as little as this goes a long way!

Have a great weekend everyone!

DIY Self Care Kit

If you’ve been following me a while now then you’ll know that this month I’ve been trying to focus on my mental health and self care, so at the start of May I begun by writing myself some self-affirmations. And to carry on with my self care this month I thought I would finally get round to making myself a self care kit for when I’m having a tough time.

The past two weeks have been pretty stressful and I’ve had a lot on, I’ve had family members in hospital, college assessments and my niece finally arrived (that one was a happy thing but stressful with the days in hospital waiting). Luckily everything I was stressed about worked out and it was then that I then realised I had neglected my self care a bit.

So how do you start/make a self care kit? Well you need to get yourself the following:

• A box
• Pretty paper
• Sharpies or coloured pens
• Tape or glue
• Anything you use to relax

Here’s how my box started out:

Here’s how it looked after I had decorated it:

So what sort of things did I decide to put in my self care kit? Well, things that can shift my focus from what is causing my stress and panic; for example different sensory items. I found that face masks, hand lotions, essential oils (in spray bottles diluted) and stress slime work well.

Here’s everything in my box:

• Notepads.

I added these in my kit because I love drawing and writing, and I found that these were good for writing down what I am grateful for, positive quotes and doodling.

• Coloured Pens.

These are obviously to go alongside my notepads for drawing and writing. Making patterns with them and drawing mandalas is a great distraction for thoughts that are stressing me out.

• Clay Mask.

I added a clay mask (you can use any kind of face mask) to my box as it’s nice and cooling on your skin which is a great distraction from any anxieties, stresses and panic thoughts.

• Nail polish.

This is another good distraction as  you focus on your nails rather than what’s going on around you, and you get to give yourself a mani pedi and have pretty nails!

• Headphones.

Great for tuning out background noise and relaxing with your favourite tunes or any meditation/mindfulness apps.

• Hot chocolate drink sachets.

Having a mindful drink (especially if it’s sweet!) is great for relaxing and helps me calm down in pretty much all situation.

• Essential oils.

If you have any favourite smells then this one is a good one for you. I have several essential oils due to the fact that I make bath bombs, but you can get them online for pretty cheap on places like amazon (amazon is just amazing, it has EVERYTHING). Put the essential oils in a small spray bottle with water and you can spray that on fabrics and just yourself in general which is a great way to feel comforted if there’s a smell that you are familiar with.

• Hand lotion.

This ones similar to the face masks as it’s a good way to distract yourself from everything, it’s cold and cools you down (it’s a great way to help panicking if you put cold things on your wrists!) and you get great soft hands!

• Comfy socks.

Comfy socks may not seem like something you’d use for self care, however; in regards to myself, I’ve pretty much always got cold feet, so getting some comfy warm socks on is a good way for myself to get comfortable and calm down.

• Fidget spinner.

These aren’t classes as cool anymore (by my younger siblings as they were happy to tell me..) which is fine by me!! I found this is a great way to distract and prevent myself from anxious nail biting and picking.

• Tissues.

Pretty obvious one, I felt like I needed these because every now and again you just need a good cry.

• Positive Notes.

Positive notes are always a good shout as it’s easy to forget little life lessons and mantras when you’re in crisis and are having a bad day.

So those are just a few of the things I’ve got in my self care kit. It’s also important to remember that if you are in crisis there are people you can call to talk too, for example the Samaritans, who are there for all mental health challenges, whether you’ve got a diagnosis of anything or not, they’re just there to listen.

If you decide to make your own self care kit then please let me know what you put in it and if you’ve got any suggestions then please pass them on ad my box is always evolving!

Have a lovely weekend everyone! Love,

May Affirmations

You may be wondering why I am writing this post. Well, the reason I’m writing this is because within the past few months I have realised that my self esteem is pretty low. Having anxiety and an eating disorder will do that to you unfortunately. This is why I’ve decided to write down a something nice to tell myself each day for the entire month to see how it can improve my self esteem. If it works out well, it may become a monthly thing! After all, the more self care the better nowadays!

So, lets get started:

1. I believe in me.
2. I am not my anxiety.
3. I am not my eating disorder.
4. I am worthy.
5. I choose to be happy.
6. I am beautiful.
7. I am not my past mistakes.
8. I am strong.
9. I will achieve my goals.
10. I am lovable and loved.
11. My past does not define my future.
12. Today will be a good day.
13. You are pretty.
14. You have a great smile.
15. I am unique.
16. Today I will replace ‘I must’, ‘I should’ and ‘I have to’ with ‘I choose’.
17. The number on the scales does not define my self worth.
18. Inhale confidence. Exhale fear.
19. I am creative.
20. I have a good life.
21. However hard the struggle gets, I can do it.
22. Without struggle comes no progress.
23. Feelings are just visitors and I choose to let them go.
24. The worst days do not last forever.
25. I am lucky.
26. I have a beautiful strong body.
27. I will not be afraid of what could go wrong, instead I will be excited by what could go right.
28. No bad thoughts will last forever.
29. I am getting healthier.
30. I deserve life.
31. I am enough.

I intend to write one a day on a post it or on my mirror so I see it when I am getting ready in the morning. I think it’s important to have some aspect of self-care at least once a day, after all, we all need to look after ourselves in this day and age. With all the photoshop, perfect instagrams, magazines and stuff like that out there it is easy to not feel good enough. I feel like these are a bit cheesy (well, a lot cheesy) but hopefully by the end of the month I will begin to believe them and it won’t feel as awkward saying them.

That’s all from me for today! Have a great weekend my lovelies!!

Love,

Living With A Skin Condition

*Post may contain graphic images*

Grab yourself a cuppa and sit down, and let me tell you how this post came about. Well, the idea for this post came last weekend. I was talking with my mum about what sort of blog posts she would like to see more of online, and she came up with a post raising awareness about what it’s like living with an illness that people don’t necessarily see day to day. In other words, invisible illnesses. I’ll be primarily talking about an illness close to my family.

So why did she want a blog post like this? Well my mum suffers with a skin condition called psoriasis (pronounced with a silent P). Psoriasis is a common immune condition which affects 3% of people in the UK and Ireland. It has affects on the skin and is linked to several other medial issues that can develop.

Here’s me and my mum!!

Psoriasis causes a persons skin replacement process to speed up, taking a few days to replaces skin cells whereas someone who hasn’t got psoriasis would take 21-28 days. Due to the process being so sped up, the skin cells build up on the skin and form raised ‘plaques’ on the skin and it is flaky, scaly, it can be different tones on different skin types and it incredibly itchy. It can affect anywhere on the body, depending on the type. It is caused by the cells which fight infections becoming overactive, which as a result causes inflammatory chemicals to be produced, which leads to the rapid skin regeneration.

I know what some of you might be thinking, does this mean that you heal super quickly when you hurt yourself like a super hero?? In short, no. It just sucks.

Unfortunately there is no cure for it, but it can be managed with treatment and advice. But different things can trigger it and these are different for everyone.

My mum suffers with psoriasis pretty bad, literally head to toe. She’s tried all creams, lotions and potions out there. She could probably open her own chemist with all the different things she’s tried. The only thing that seems to work is the sun. Yes, the actual sun. And guess what, we live in England.. Not typically the home of hot sunny weather.

This means that one day you could see her and she’ll be out in a vest top and shorts and you wouldn’t think anything is wrong with her skin, and the next she could be in a long sleeve turtle neck with jeans and a hat to cover as much of her skin as possible. My mum kindly agreed to have some photos taken of her skin so you can see what it is like living with psoriasis.

As with all invisible illnesses, just like with mental health challenges, there are some things that people will suggest or tell you to do when they don’t necessarily understand where you’re coming from. And that you have likely already tried everything they are going to say. But we all know deep down they’re coming from a place of trying to help you out, so you just sit there smiling trying not to implode.

Things my mum hears all the time:

• Have you tried this moisturiser? I get really dry skin and this works for me.
• Are you sure it’s not dandruff? (Disclaimer, the answer to this is always NO. And we’ve tried all forms of anti-dandruff shampoo out there and they don’t work.. Stop suggesting them!)
• My friend has a friend who’s uncle’s cousin has psoriasis, and his doctor gave him this.. (we’ve literally tried everything from the doctors for my mums skin already)
• Why hasn’t the doctor given you injections to manage it? (The thing with going to the doctors about your skin is that you can always get an appointment at the doctors the same day, and with skin conditions they can look worse on day to the next. Which means half the time when you actually get to the doctors they don’t think it’s that bad because you’re having what my mum calls ‘a good skin day’.)
• Have you tried cutting out dairy? (yes.. It sucked and didn’t do anything..)
• Have you tried exercising more or yoga? (I don’t know why this is everyone’s answer to any medical problem..)
• Just stop itching it and it’ll go away (it wont.)
• Just stop worrying about it (people can say this all they like, but it won’t change the fact that we’re self conscious about it)

Having a condition or illness that can be invisible can take it’s toll on you mentally. It can really get you down and affect your self esteem. For my mum, if she’s having a ‘good skin day’ she’ll be happy to wear black tops and jumpers because she isn’t worried about having skin flakes everywhere. But if she’s having a ‘bad skin day’ she’ll wear primarily white tops just because she feels when her skin flakes it’s less noticeable.

The best thing you can do for someone with an invisible illness that isn’t always invisible is just be there for them. And ask them what you can do to help. Or ask them if there is anything they have found works for them, and just reassure them that if people stare, it’s because it’s just human nature to look at things we’ve not seen before (we’re curious beings, so we understand that people don’t just stare to be mean, they often don’t realise they’re even doing it). Keep telling them that they’re perfect the way they are and that it doesn’t bother you at all. It’s common and nothing to be ashamed of.

What’s important is letting them know that they are loved, regardless of any invisible or visible illness/conditions and that they will not change the way you see them.

My mum is incredible with how open she is about how her skin affects her mental wellbeing. She’s not afraid to speak up about it as skin conditions are not something really spoken about enough. It’s cheesy, but I don’t see my mum’s skin condition, she’s just my mum. And she’s perfect the way she is.

I think that’s enough from me today!! Have a great week everyone!!

Love,

What happens when you realise you’re developing an Eating Disorder

*disclaimer – this could contain trigger warnings*

If you’re wondering why I’m writing this post, it’s because it’s something that I relate to a lot. If you’ve read my about me page or my previous blog post – Anxiety, Body Image Issues and Me you’ll know that I struggle with my body image and food. And this past week I finally went to my doctor to talk about it.. Which I will tell you right now, was terrifying.

So, what happens when you’re developing an eating disorder.. Well it’s not something you decide one day, like deciding you want to go for a bicycle ride. It’s something that happens over time, and often you don’t realise what is happening until it’s already developed.

There are several different types of eating disorders out there, and no two are the same. The most common ones you hear about are:

• Anorexia Nervosa
• Bulimia Nervosa
• Binge Eating Disorder

Although the above three are most commonly spoken about, the other eating disorders although spoken about less, are equally as important and common among people. The other eating disorders are:

• OSFED
• Orthorexia
• Pica
• Avoidant or Restrictive Food Intake Disorder

The first time I realised that something wasn’t quite right was just before Christmas 2017, it was cold outside, I was 7 pounds away from what I had decided was my ‘goal weight’ of 9 stone 7 pounds. I think it was the week before Christmas and one morning out shopping I realised that I was extremely anxious about having Christmas dinner. Anyone that knows me, knows I would happily live off roast dinners, and that Christmas dinner was what I looked forward to the most. So naturally, suddenly worrying about my favourite meal of the year sort of hit home that something was not quite right.

Here I am in one of my old t-shirts in November 2017, before I knew what was happening!

I think part of the reason I was anxious about eating Christmas dinner was because I didn’t have any control over what was in the food. Before I lost a load of weight I wouldn’t give a monkeys about what was in it so long as it tastes nice. Because I didn’t have control over what was going in the food I was worrying about how much fat, oil and what I considered ‘bad’ food I would be eating.

I think I was a little in denial about what was going on at this point, I knew something wasn’t quite right, but I refused to admit that to anyone.. Including myself. So, Christmas finished, I ate hardly any Christmas dinner (and I basically only ate the vegetables and about 2 roast potatoes!!) than I would normally would, and worked out to try and burn the food off.

When I eventually admitted to myself that my relationship with my weight, body image and food was not good, I spoke about it with my family, friends and work family and they all were very understanding and supportive with what was going on with me.

Some of the symptoms of eating disorders I was demonstrating were the following:

• Religiously counting calories and ‘syns’
• Binge eating and then feeling incredibly guilty
• Excessive exercising to deal with the guilt of eating
• Restricting what foods I do eat (images below are what I typically eat in a day)
• Feeling guilty for eating
• Immense fear of gaining weigh and not continuing to lose it
• Obsessive with making my own food
• Constantly looking at workouts, low calorie recipes
• Denial of hunger
• Starving myself in the evenings so I would weigh less the next day
• Weighing myself continuously, every morning, sometimes evening and sometimes even more than twice a day!
• Fatigue
• Obsessively checking how fat and unattractive I felt I looked
• Anxiety around meal times
• Distorted body image (this one is a weird one for me to write because I know I must have it, but I just don’t see how my body image is distorted because fat is just how I see myself)
• Seeing certain foods as ‘bad’ and ‘good’
• Feeling of having no control or complete control around food.

It’s a long list I know!! But the thing is, all of these things don’t just happen over night.. They develop over time. Now, although it’s a long list, a lot of these things overlap within each other, and the good thing is that I’ve realised that these behaviours are not healthy. Below is what I would eat in a typical day, and it’s not great, and by realising this, I know taking the first step to getting better is the right thing to do; which is why I am now getting help.

Small bowl of porridge with 1 strawberry and a small banana.

Pear with Strawberries and Fat Free Yoghurt.

Wholemeal Toast with Scrambled Eggs.

 

It was not easy asking for help. It was in fact incredibly nerve racking and it felt so weird talking about what was going on in my head. I felt ashamed and strangely guilty of my eating/weighing/body image problems, but after talking to my GP, family and friends, I felt much less ashamed, guilty and alone.

The thing with getting help for eating disorders is that you assume you have to visually look like you’ve got an eating disorder and have a BMI extremely low; but that isn’t always the case. I have now been referred over to a service for young adults with the hopes that I will be able to get some help and potentially see a dietitian in the future if wanted.

If you ever think that you might have an eating disorder you should always go to your GP and ask for help!

You may be wondering what happens when you go to the doctors about potentially having an eating disorder. Well, when I did go to my GP for an appointment I was asked to tell my story of what has been happening to begin with, after that, I let the doctor know what symptoms of eating disorders I was suffering with (I took a list of what I wanted to mention in with me so I didn’t forget, my lovely co-worker suggested that and it definitely helped!), then we checked my oxygen levels, temperature, weight, BMI and I have been booked in for some blood tests to see if I have as a result of my eating habits, become deficient in anything. After going through all of that we decided that it would be a good idea to be referred to a mental health service for young adults (I’m 22).

Once I came out of the appointment I felt so much better knowing that I was going to get the help I needed I would highly recommend it to anyone worrying about any aspect of their mental health.

Anyway, that’s enough jabbering!! I’ll do a follow up post when I am in treatment for my own issues and keep you all updated with what’s happening!

Hope you all have a lovely week ahead everyone!

Love,

Anxiety, Eating, Body Image Issues and ME

Something you’ll find out about me sooner or later is that I suffer with a few mental health problems, so just putting them out there now, I suffer with anxiety, I’ve got OCD tendencies when it comes to food and I also have body image, weight and eating issues.

These problems or challenges as I’ve tried to think of them as, developed at different points in my life; when I was diagnosed with anxiety (several years ago now), I can’t say I was surprised. I had always been quiet as a child and was often forgotten to even be in the room because I never really spoke.

Every single parents evening at school I would be told the exact same thing – “Victoria is getting good grades and always listens to what’s being said but she needs to put her hand up and participate more”. Something that I never understood was that if my grades are up then why did they always want me to put my hand up more? I always did the work and homework and never misbehaved. But hey, I guess they just thought it’d help my confidence. I would turn red in the face just having to say yes to during the register.

Sometimes it felt like it’d never get easier for me to speak up and that’s probably due to the anxiety, I have a deep fear of making a fool of myself, disappointing people and just generally talking to people I don’t know very well.

Here’s the thing with my anxiety, as I’ve gotten older I’ve learnt to hide it (with lots of practice), so it’s not always obvious that I suffer with it. If you saw me with people I’m close to then you’d think there’s nothing wrong with me. If I’m comfortable with you I’ll just say whatever comes into my head. I suppose my anxiety around talking to people has got a little better over time, but I do know that I’m a better listener than when it comes to talking. (I can see I’m starting to rabbit on a bit about this now so I’ll move on..)

When it comes to my OCD tendencies and my eating/body issues, these are much more recent things in my life. You see, this time last year I was a size 18 girl who was going on 13stone+. I absolutely hated myself and how I looked then, and I’d tried all different diets and fads out there to try and lose weight. Long story short – nothing worked for me. I’d always wished that I could love my body and props to all the men and women out there who do love themselves, you’re an inspiration!

So for me I was in denial about how I felt about my image, I’d tell myself that I liked how I looked and I liked my size, but deep down I couldn’t stand to look at myself. Then one day came along and I decided to try the one thing I hadn’t yet done, Slimming World. I started Slimming World in July last year, and since then I’ve lost 3 stone and 2 pounds and am now a size 10. It’s taken loads of hard work and perseverance and I was lucky to have the support from my family, friends and lovely boyfriend. Now, as proud of myself as I am and that I do like how I look more than I did; I still hate seeing how wide my body is in the mirror(somethings never change I guess!).

Here I am in one of my old t-shirts. You could use it as a tent!!

For me, going to slimming world has had positive and negative affects on my life. Positives are that I now eat a lot healthier, I work out 3-5 times a week, my weight is now healthy for my height (still think bmi is a load of rubbish though), I can share clothes with my mum and sister(big pros for when any of us are off out!) and I’m more confident in public.

The negatives that Slimming World has had on me are something I’m working on getting better. So although I have more of an awareness of what I’m eating – which is good to a certain extent – I now obsess over every little thing I consume, syn counting (a Slimming World method of counting ‘unhealthy food’ – like weight watchers points) has kind of taken over my life to the point where I can’t control myself when eating as all I think of is the amount on syns in food and I start freaking out when I don’t know what’s in food. I now feel guilty for every single bite of food I eat and feel the need to workout compensate for any food eaten, and I still see myself as that size 18 girl. I have an immense fear of putting all of the weight on, and I have to weigh myself every morning and see the number on the scale going down or I’ll beat myself up. Luckily I’ve got great support from my family, friends and boyfriends so I’m slowly getting a better mind-set towards food again.

Even though I’ve got all of these issues now I’ve lost weight, that’s not to say that if I had the choice to do it all over again that I wouldn’t go to slimming world, because I would. The good things for me have certainly outweighed some of the bad in my mind, and I’m trying to think of these bad things as challenges to overcome rather than just bad consequences of weight loss.

After all, I’m a lot healthier physically now than what I was, and that’s good; my mental health will always be a work in progress and that’s ok. I would say though, I feel like weight loss groups should have more of an after care for when people have lost lots of weight to tackle potentially developing things like eating disorders and body image issues. For now, I’ve decided to stop going to slimming world, and instead I’m focusing on staying healthy in my body and working on my mind-set towards food, and treating it like fuel to keep my body running.

I do just want to say that if you’re suffering with anything remotely like an eating disorder or other mental health issues then definitely go to your GP or a mental health service for some help and support, it’s totally worth the initial anxiety of talking about it.

Anyway, enough of my blabbering! That’s it for me about all of those things for now, I’ll maybe do a before and after post in the weeks to come… But we’ll see what happens. Thanks for reading and have lovely rest of the weekend!!

Love